Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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