Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
