Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
