You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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