I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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