Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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