Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
