I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
So much Jack, so little girl.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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