So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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