she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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