fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
