Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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