Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
