Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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