this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
