so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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