I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
