do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
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