the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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