My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I love having hate sex.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
