Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
