Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
