She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
