i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
