so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
