I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
