Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
