I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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