Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
