So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
