if i died would you start the facebook group?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
