3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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