I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
