The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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