you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
