My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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