I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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