I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
