Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
