I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
