cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
