Swine flu. Run for my life!
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
