and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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