He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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