i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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