i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
