Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
