party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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