Pants 0. Shit 1.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
