part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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